"The Tides of Loss"

Grief doesn’t come just once.

You don’t lose a loved one only on the day they die.

You lose them again and again,

in quiet moments and sudden ones,

when the world keeps spinning but you feel stopped in place.

You lose them in the glow of a sunrise

or the hush of a sunset.

In a glass bottle of Coke with peanuts,

windows rolled down, warm wind tangling your hair.

You lose them when fear rises

and you wish you could call

to hear their steady voice

and their sage advice.

You lose them when joy bursts in your chest

and there is no one to share it with.

You lose them when you see your friends with their fathers,

men growing older, grayer, softer,

knowing yours will never grow old with you.

You lose them in songs and stories and movies

that would have lit up their eyes.

You lose them every holiday,

every birthday,

every candle blown out without their laugh in the room.

And sometimes, you lose them in yourself,

in the mirror’s reflection,

in the familiar tilt of a smile,

in the realization that you carry more of them

than you ever knew.

One day, you will outlive them.

And that hurts in its own way.

No more beach days,

no more fishing trips,

no more tossing the ball in the backyard,

no more long talks about music,

about poetry,

about how vast and beautiful the universe is.

This year, the weight of grief feels heavier,

heavier even than the first days

when loss was fresh and raw.

And I wonder if it will ever ease

or if it will always arrive uninvited

in the grocery store,

overhead speakers humming “Carolina in My Mind.”

Can’t you see the sunshine?

the song drifts over the aisles,

and yes, I see it,

but it feels lonelier now.

Can’t you just feel the moon shining?

I whisper yes,

because even in the hum of fluorescent lights

the tide of grief rises,

misty-eyed, pushing my cart,

losing him all over again.

But grief comes in waves,

and so does love.

Every time I lose him,

I also find him.

I know he is here with me,

just not in the shape my arms remember.

I find him in the sunrise,

in the music,

in the laughter I still carry.

And the waves keep coming.